Parental alienation (PA) is a painful and often misunderstood experience where a child unjustly rejects one parent, not because of abuse or neglect, but due to the influence—sometimes intentional, sometimes not—of the other parent. This breakdown in the parent-child bond can be heartbreaking, leaving the rejected parent confused, isolated, and struggling to reconnect. Understanding the signs of PA is the first step toward intervention and healing. The Five-Factor Model offers a structured way to identify and make sense of these patterns, providing clarity in an otherwise emotionally charged situation.
The Five-Factor Model of Parental Alienation:
1. Contact Refusal: The child resists or outright refuses contact with one parent without any legitimate justification. This goes beyond typical avoidance or discomfort—it’s a firm rejection that seems disproportionate to any past experiences with that parent.
2. Prior Positive Relationship: Before the alienation began, the child had a healthy, loving, and secure relationship with the now-rejected parent. There was no history of fear, distress, or conflict that would naturally lead to such a dramatic change in attachment.
3. Absence of Abuse or Neglect: There is no evidence of abuse, neglect, or harm by the rejected parent that would explain the child’s rejection. This is a crucial factor in distinguishing parental alienation from justified estrangement due to parental wrongdoing.
4. Influence of the Alienating Parent: The favored parent engages in behaviors that actively damage or erode the child’s relationship with the rejected parent. This can include making negative statements about the other parent, limiting contact, interfering with communication, or rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent. These behaviors may be overt (such as telling the child the other parent doesn’t love them) or subtle (such as acting sad or withdrawn when the child expresses love for the other parent).
Accidental Alienation: Not all alienation is intentional or malicious. Some parents, often driven by real, exaggerated, or imagined fears about the other parent, unintentionally place their child in a loyalty bind. If a parent expresses visible distress, anxiety, or skepticism about the other parent—whether through words, tone, or body language—the child may feel responsible for protecting them. This can lead the child to align with the emotionally fragile parent, believing that their behaviors and affections directly impact that parent’s well-being. Over time, this pressure can contribute to the erosion of their bond with the other parent.
Accidental Alienation: Not all alienation is intentional or malicious. Some parents, often driven by real, exaggerated, or imagined fears about the other parent, unintentionally place their child in a loyalty bind. If a parent expresses visible distress, anxiety, or skepticism about the other parent—whether through words, tone, or body language—the child may feel responsible for protecting them. This can lead the child to align with the emotionally fragile parent, believing that their behaviors and affections directly impact that parent’s well-being. Over time, this pressure can contribute to the erosion of their bond with the other parent.
5. Child’s Behavioral Manifestations: The child displays clear signs of alienation, including:
- Unjustified and extreme negativity toward the rejected parent, often parroting the favored parent’s complaints.
- Rigid black-and-white thinking, where one parent is seen as “all good” and the other as “all bad,” without acknowledgment of nuance or past positive experiences.
- Automatic support of the favored parent’s perspective, even in situations where it contradicts logic or their own past experiences.
- Lack of guilt or ambivalence about rejecting the alienated parent, showing no internal conflict or distress over the estrangement.
- Borrowed language and false narratives, repeating accusations that seem rehearsed or developmentally improbable for the child’s age.
- Independent thinker phenomenon, where the child insists that their rejection of the parent is entirely their own idea, despite clear evidence of external influence.
- Heightened emotional responsibility, where the child appears overly attuned to the favored parent’s emotions, feeling the need to protect them or avoid upsetting them by maintaining distance from the rejected parent.
What This May Look Like in a Child Experiencing Parental Alienation
A child affected by parental alienation may adamantly refuse to see one parent, sometimes expressing intense anger or fear that doesn’t match the actual history of the relationship. They might speak about the rejected parent in harsh, absolute terms (“They never loved me,” “They’re a terrible person”) while idealizing the favored parent. They may appear confident in their stance, showing no doubt, remorse, or mixed feelings, even when recalling past good memories with the rejected parent.
In some cases, the child may not just reject the alienated parent but also accuse them of things that never happened, as though they have internalized and adopted the fears, distortions, or delusions of the favored parent. These accusations can range from exaggerated grievances (“They never cared about me”) to completely false claims of harm or mistreatment. This isn’t simply lying—it’s often the result of subconscious alignment with the alienating parent, where the child genuinely believes these distorted narratives because their emotional survival depends on it.
For some children, this alienation is reinforced by overt pressure, while for others, it develops from an unspoken emotional burden. When a parent—whether intentionally or unintentionally—projects fear, sadness, or distress about the other parent, the child may internalize the belief that their affection for the rejected parent will hurt or betray the favored parent. Over time, this creates a loyalty conflict so intense that rejecting the alienated parent feels like the only way to maintain security and stability. In extreme cases, the child may sever ties not just with the rejected parent but also with their extended family, reinforcing the division.
Healing from Parental Alienation: Approaches That Help
(There’s no one-size-fits-all solution—these are just a few approaches that can support healing.)
Addressing PA requires therapeutic approaches that foster healing and restore family dynamics. Two effective methods are:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT focuses on teaching parents skills to manage emotions, tolerate distress, and improve interpersonal relationships. By modeling these skills, parents can create a more stable and supportive environment for their children.
Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI): TBRI is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that equips parents with tools to meet the complex needs of children. It emphasizes building trust and understanding, which is crucial in healing relationships affected by PA.
A Personal Perspective on Parental Alienation
Reflecting on my own experiences with PA, I recognize its profound impact on self-esteem and mental health. Experiencing attempted alienation led to depression and a loss of confidence during my formative years. This personal journey underscores the importance of addressing PA and seeking healing for affected families.
Disclaimer:
It’s important to note that individual therapists cannot serve as custody evaluators for their clients due to potential conflicts of interest. Therapists are focused on supporting their clients’ mental health, while custody evaluators are tasked with providing impartial assessments to inform legal decisions. In cases involving custody evaluations, it’s crucial to work with qualified professionals who can offer unbiased evaluations. If you’re unsure about the differences between these roles and why they can’t overlap, check out my next post: “Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Custody Evaluator“, where I dive deeper into the topic and explore why this distinction matters in custody cases.
Conclusion
Understanding the Five-Factor Model of PA provides clarity in identifying and addressing this issue. By implementing therapeutic approaches like DBT and TBRI, families can work towards healing and rebuilding relationships. If you or someone you know is affected by PA, seeking professional support is a vital step towards recovery. Remember, healing is possible, and you are not alone.
Resources
Steinberg, L. (2021, July 15). Five-Factor Model. Resources. https://lynnsteinberg.com/resources/five-factor-model