Parental alienation—a term that sends shivers down the spine of any co-parent navigating the treacherous waters of shared custody. It’s when one parent, intentionally or not, turns their child against the other, fracturing a once-healthy bond. But what’s driving this? Often, the underlying force is a personality disorder, particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: The Puppet Master
A parent with NPD sees themselves as the center of the universe, needing admiration and control while lacking empathy. Their child isn’t just a kid—they’re a pawn. They craft elaborate narratives, positioning themselves as the hero while casting the other parent as the villain. This isn’t just petty bad-mouthing. It’s a calculated campaign to rewrite the child’s reality.
In these households, enmeshment runs deep. The child’s identity gets swallowed by the parent’s ego, their needs and desires overshadowed by the narcissist’s agenda (Palmieri, A., et al., 2024, p. 45–51). The child learns early that love is conditional: behave the way the narcissistic parent wants, and you’re golden; stray from their script, and you’re discarded. And then there’s triangulation—dividing and conquering by creating fractures not just between the child and the other parent but within extended family and friendships. Isolation ensures control.
Most notably, the narcissistic parent does not live in truth. Instead, they exist in a reality shaped by their own needs, where facts bend to fit their narrative. Their emotions dictate what is “real” at any given moment, and they will fully believe their own distortions if it serves to regulate their feelings. This level of self-deception can be so extreme that it is outright delusional—convincing not just the child, but themselves, that their version of events is absolute, no matter how disconnected from reality it may be.
Borderline Personality Disorder: The Emotional Rollercoaster
BPD is a whirlwind of intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a deep-seated fear of abandonment. When a parent struggles with this, their perception of the other parent shifts like quicksand. One moment, the co-parent is an ally; the next, they’re the enemy. This instability confuses the child, making them question their own reality.
These parents may not intentionally set out to alienate, but their emotional turmoil spills over. Guilt, fear, and pity become weapons, pulling the child into an emotional tug-of-war. The child, wanting to keep the peace, learns to align with the parent’s fluctuating narratives. And when the fear of abandonment kicks in, the BPD parent may push the child away from the other parent—not out of malice, but out of sheer terror that their own place in the child’s life is at risk.
Just like those with NPD, individuals with BPD don’t operate within an objective reality. Their emotions dictate what is true in any given moment, meaning their perception of past events and present relationships can change drastically depending on how they feel. If rejecting the other parent helps regulate their overwhelming emotions, then that parent becomes the villain—no matter how loving or stable they may actually be.
When Alienation Becomes Abuse
Parental alienation isn’t just a byproduct of messy custody battles—it’s a form of psychological abuse. The alienating parent, often driven by their own trauma, projects their pain onto the child, using them as a weapon in a battle the child never signed up for. This manipulation warps the child’s perception of love and trust, leaving lasting scars. Dr. Craig Childress, a clinical psychologist specializing in parental alienation, argues that a child’s rejection of a parent is rarely just about the child; it’s often a symptom of a deeper attachment disruption caused by the alienating parent’s pathology (Childress, 2015).
He describes this as pathogenic parenting, where the alienating parent’s disorder distorts the child’s attachment system. The child doesn’t just “side” with one parent—they become psychologically enmeshed, adopting the distorted reality of the alienating parent. In extreme cases, this can resemble a shared delusional disorder, where the child genuinely believes the false narrative they’ve been fed. Addressing this requires more than just family therapy—it demands interventions that target the root of the disorder itself.
The Collateral Damage
Kids caught in this crossfire don’t escape unscathed. Growing up in an environment where love is conditional and truth is manipulated leaves deep wounds. Their sense of identity can become fractured, leading to confusion about who they are and what they believe (Prousky, 2024, p.4-7). Relationships in adulthood often mirror the dysfunction they grew up with, as they replicate the toxic dynamics they were conditioned to see as normal. And the mental health fallout is real—higher rates of anxiety, depression, and attachment issues follow them into adulthood.
Shining a Light on the Darkness
Parental alienation, especially when fueled by narcissistic or borderline personality traits, is more than a custody dispute—it’s an emotional battlefield with children at the center. Recognizing the warning signs and understanding the psychological mechanisms at play is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Experts like Dr. Craig Childress provide crucial insights, but real change requires a collective effort from therapists, legal professionals, and families alike.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about “winning” against a co-parent. It’s about ensuring that children don’t lose themselves in the process. The best way to win this battle? Refuse to play the game.
References
Childress, C. (2015, November 12). I’ll Explain It Just Once. Dr. Craig Childress: Attachment Based “Parental Alienation” (AB-PA), https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/11/12/ill-explain-it-just-once/.
Palmieri, A., et al. (2024). Role of Narcissism in Parental Alienation Phenomenon. A Narrative Review. Rivista Di Psichiatria, 59(2), pp. 45–51, https://doi.org/10.1708/4259.42357.
Prousky, J. (2024). Does Evil Underlie Some Cases of Parental Alienation Syndrome? Commentary and a Working Hypothesis.”Medical Research Archives, 12(11), pp. 1–8, https://doi.org/10.18103/mra.v12i11.6031.