You know that moment when your kid does something tiny — like spill a cup of juice — and suddenly you’re reacting like they just burned down the house? That overwhelming surge of frustration or anger? That sinking guilt afterward? That “why did I just yell like that?” moment? It’s not because you’re a bad parent. You’re not. You’re a human being doing the best you can with the tools you were handed. And sometimes, those old survival skills sneak up and hijack the moment.
Unresolved childhood trauma has a sneaky way of showing up in our parenting, even when we swear up and down we’re going to do things differently. The fact that you’re noticing it means you’re already miles ahead. Let’s dig into what it can look like, why it happens, and what you can actually do about it — without drowning yourself in guilt.
None of this means you’re broken.
It just means your brain and body learned ways to survive that might not always line up with the kind of parent you want to be today.
What Counts as Childhood Trauma, Anyway?
When people hear “trauma,” they often think of major, catastrophic events. But trauma isn’t just about what happened to you — it’s also about what didn’t happen that you needed. Maybe it was connection. Maybe it was safety. Maybe it was someone simply caring enough to ask how you were doing.
Some examples include growing up with emotional neglect, living with constant unpredictability, being the one who had to parent your own parents, surviving physical or emotional abuse, or feeling like your emotions were too much for the adults around you. Even being consistently told things like “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” plants seeds that grow into survival patterns. That one, in particular, packs a quiet but brutal punch. It teaches kids that expressing pain or sadness will be punished — not comforted. And when you’re young and vulnerable, the implied threat is clear: if you don’t shut those feelings down, you’re going to get hurt. Many kids, like myself, (and maybe even you when you were younger) heard that from a parent or stepparent regularly, and it left behind the message that their feelings were unacceptable or dangerous.
None of this means you’re broken. It just means your brain and body learned ways to survive that might not always line up with the kind of parent you want to be today.
How Unresolved Trauma Shows Up in Parenting
Let’s walk through a scenario that might hit a little too close to home. It’s a fictional example, but it’s one that pulls from a pattern I’ve seen and heard from so many parents, time and time again.
Picture this: Your child refuses to put on their shoes. You’ve asked nicely — more than once. You’re running late, you’re stressed, and your kid now screams “NO!” right in your face. Suddenly, it’s like a tripwire goes off inside you. You grab their shoes and bark, “Fine! I’ll do it myself since nobody around here EVER listens to me!” Your kid bursts into tears. You instantly feel that heavy weight of guilt drop into your chest. On the drive to wherever you’re going, you’re replaying the whole scene in your mind, wondering why you reacted like that — and why it felt so familiar.
That’s unresolved trauma crashing your parenting party.
It can show up in all sorts of ways. Sometimes it looks like yelling, when your whole body feels hijacked by rage over what seems like a small thing. Sometimes it shows up as being overly controlling, needing everything to go “just so” because chaos used to mean danger. Other times, it swings the opposite direction, and you find yourself avoiding conflict entirely, giving in to your child’s every demand because their displeasure feels overwhelming.
You might catch yourself apologizing constantly, even when it’s not necessary, because keeping the peace used to be a matter of survival. Or maybe you don’t yell at all — maybe you shut down, going quiet and withdrawn because that’s how you learned to cope when emotions ran high. Perfectionism often sneaks in too, making every small mistake feel massive because you were taught that anything less than perfect wasn’t good enough.
And then there’s emotional dysregulation. That’s when your reactions feel bigger, scarier, and harder to control than you want them to be. It’s not about being “too emotional.” It’s about your nervous system still being wired for danger even when there isn’t any. It’s exhausting. It’s painful. And it doesn’t mean you’re broken — it means you’re still carrying survival strategies that once protected you.
What You Can Do About It
First and foremost, self-regulation is your best friend. Before you try to help your child calm down, you have to check in with yourself. Taking a deep breath, naming what you’re feeling, even saying out loud, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and I need a second,” models emotional health in real time.
Inner child work can be powerful too. When you feel yourself flipping your lid, get curious. Ask yourself: “What part of me is hurting right now?” Sometimes it’s your five-year-old self, still desperately wanting to be heard or comforted. Offering yourself some compassion in those moments isn’t weakness — it’s strength.
Reparenting yourself means learning how to give yourself what you didn’t get. That might be speaking kindly to yourself after a mistake, setting healthier boundaries, or even giving yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
And when you mess up — because you will, because you’re human — repair with your child. Repair teaches kids that relationships aren’t about being perfect; they’re about staying connected. Saying something like, “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t your fault. I’m working on handling my big feelings better,” shows your child how to own mistakes with love and responsibility.
Reflection is another key piece. Instead of spiraling into shame, get curious after a tough parenting moment. What was really happening for you? What did you feel threatened by? What did you need that you weren’t getting?
And finally, sometimes doing this work on your own just isn’t enough. Therapy — especially trauma-informed therapy — can be a game-changer. Having a safe space to unpack your old wounds and rewire your patterns can help you not just be a better parent, but also a more peaceful, grounded version of yourself.
You’re Already Doing the Work
If you’re reading this, you’re already in the process of breaking cycles that have been passed down for generations. That’s no small thing. You don’t have to parent perfectly to be a good parent. You just have to keep showing up. Keep being willing to look inward. Keep choosing growth, even when it’s messy.
Healing yourself is one of the most powerful gifts you can give your child. And you’re already doing it.