Co-parenting is hard enough when both parents are reasonable, communicative, and committed to keeping things peaceful for their kids. But when one parent refuses to play fair? When they twist the truth, ignore court orders, or treat co-parenting like a game where the goal is to ‘win’ at all costs? That’s a whole different ballgame. And it’s exhausting.
If you’re co-parenting with someone who seems determined to make life difficult, I see you. This isn’t just frustrating—it’s heartbreaking. You’re trying to do right by your kids while navigating someone else’s chaos. It’s a lot. So, let’s talk about what you can actually do when co-parenting isn’t an option, and you’re stuck managing a high-conflict situation instead.
Co-Parenting Requires Two People… And Sometimes, You’ve Only Got One
Maybe you thought this would be a team effort. That you’d both show up as responsible, mature adults and work together for your kids. But what happens when the other parent is more interested in control, manipulation, or just making your life miserable? The hard truth is, you can’t co-parent with someone who isn’t willing. Co-parenting is a team sport, and if one parent refuses to be a team player, you’re left with parallel parenting instead.
Parallel parenting is about reducing conflict by limiting interaction. It’s keeping the necessary communication short and neutral while focusing on raising your kids as best as you can—without relying on cooperation from the other side. It’s not the dream scenario, but sometimes it’s the healthiest choice.
When Playing Fair Isn’t in Their Playbook
If you’re dealing with a high-conflict ex, you already know the drill. Agreements get ignored. Court orders are treated like suggestions. The kids get used as messengers, or worse, as weapons. Information is withheld. Drama gets stirred up for no reason other than to exhaust you. It’s infuriating.
Here’s the first thing I need you to hear: you will not logic or reason your way into making them change. You could lay out all the facts in the world, but it won’t matter—because this isn’t about facts. It’s about control. And your best move? Don’t engage in the power struggle.
Keep communication businesslike and to the point. Short. Factual. Emotionally neutral. Use written communication whenever possible—text, email, parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents—because having a paper trail can save you a lot of headaches. And document everything. If they ignore agreements or violate orders, you’ll want receipts. But most importantly? Let go of the fantasy that they’ll suddenly wake up and decide to be cooperative. It’s not your job to fix them.
Gaslighting, Guilt Trips, and Games: The Playbook of a High-Conflict Parent
“Every time you choose not to take the bait, you take away their power.”
High-conflict individuals love to keep you on edge, and they’ve got a whole set of tactics to do just that. Gaslighting? Check. Twisting reality so you start doubting yourself? Absolutely. Playing the victim, no matter how much chaos they’ve caused? You bet. Weaponizing the kids—making them feel guilty for loving or wanting time with you? Classic move. And of course, baiting you into arguments just so they can turn around and say you’re the problem.
The best thing you can do is refuse to play the game. You are not required to react to every provocation. Every time you choose not to take the bait, you take away their power. And I know—it’s easier said than done. But the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Parallel Parenting: The Art of Keeping Your Sanity
So, what does parallel parenting actually look like? It means setting up clear boundaries and keeping interactions minimal. It means reducing direct communication as much as possible and using parenting apps instead of texts or phone calls. It means keeping your expectations realistic—because waiting for them to suddenly become reasonable is a setup for disappointment. And it means documenting everything, not because you want to be petty, but because you need to protect yourself.
Parallel parenting isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about keeping your peace and focusing on what actually matters—your kids.
Creating Stability for Your Kids (Even If the Other Parent is a Disaster)
Here’s the thing: kids don’t need perfect parents. They need consistent, emotionally stable ones. And if you can be the steady, safe presence in their lives, that will make all the difference—even if the other parent is unpredictable or toxic.
Create routines. Kids thrive on predictability, and making your home a place of calm consistency will help them feel secure. Don’t badmouth the other parent, even if they deserve it. Your child will figure things out on their own, and they need to know they can trust you to be their safe space. Badmouthing the other parent doesn’t actually hurt the other parent—it hurts your child. Kids internalize these messages, and when you tell them their other parent is awful, they hear that half of them is genetically bad. That kind of messaging leads to depression, anxiety, and deep self-esteem issues. If you want to protect them, don’t put them in the middle.
Validate their feelings. If they’re upset about something the other parent did, listen. You don’t have to fix it, just be there. And most of all, model emotional regulation. Show them what it looks like to handle frustration and stress in a healthy way.
Kids are incredibly resilient when they have at least one stable, loving parent. That’s you.
Final Thoughts: Acceptance and Protecting Your Peace
I know this isn’t what you wanted. Co-parenting isn’t supposed to be this hard. But when you’re dealing with someone who refuses to be reasonable, acceptance is your best ally. And I don’t mean rolling over and letting them walk all over you—I mean accepting that you cannot change them, only how you respond.
Focus on what you can control: your own boundaries, your own emotional well-being, and the love and security you provide for your kids. The rest? As much as it sucks, you have to let it go.
And most importantly—take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t fully be there for your child. Parental alienation and high-conflict co-parenting take a toll, and you need support, too. If, like most people, you struggle with regulating your emotions (because let’s be real—nobody gave us a manual for this), therapy can help. Getting support for yourself isn’t just self-care—it’s the foundation for being the best parent you can be.
You’re not alone in this. You’re doing the best you can in an impossible situation, and that’s enough. Keep showing up for your kids. Keep protecting your peace. And remember: not engaging in their chaos is not losing—it’s winning on your own terms.