When parents bring their child to therapy, they often say things like, “I just don’t know how to get them to calm down,” or “Nothing I do seems to work.” What they don’t always realize is that their child is watching them for cues on how to regulate emotions. The truth is, emotional regulation in kids starts with emotional regulation in parents.
But here’s where things get tricky—sometimes we, as parents, unintentionally flip this dynamic, expecting our child to calm down before we ourselves can regain control. If you have ever found yourself thinking, “I can’t deal with this until they stop crying/screaming/arguing,” you are not alone. But when we rely on our child to regulate first, we are actually putting the responsibility on them to manage our emotions instead of the other way around.
Are We Expecting Our Child to Regulate Us? (Without Realizing It?)
Most parents do not set out to make their child responsible for their emotions, but it can happen in subtle ways. Getting frustrated when a child’s meltdown triggers our own stress response. Feeling like our own calm depends on whether our child is behaving. Saying things like “I can’t handle this right now” or “You’re driving me crazy” in moments of frustration. Expecting our child to “fix” the mood in the home by behaving a certain way.
None of this makes someone a bad parent—it just means emotional regulation needs to start with us. Kids do not come into the world knowing how to regulate their emotions; they learn by watching how we handle ours.
If It’s Hard for Us, Imagine How Hard It Is for Them
If we, as adults, sometimes struggle to manage our emotions, imagine what it must be like for a child—who does not yet have the understanding, life experience, or coping skills that we do.
To a child, emotions are everything. They do not have the ability to step back and say, “This feeling will pass” or “This isn’t really a big deal.” All they have in that moment is the intensity of what they are feeling.
Think about how frustrating it is when you go to the fridge, excited for those leftovers you have been thinking about all day, only to find someone else already ate them. Or when you reach for the milk and find an almost-empty jug just sitting there. Annoying, right? Sure, as an adult, you can reason with yourself (It’s just lunch. I’ll figure something else out), but the frustration is still real.
Now, imagine not having that reasoning ability yet. Imagine that all you know is that something feels really big and really unfair, and you do not have the words or tools to process it. That is what it is like for kids. When they cry, yell, or meltdown over something that seems small to us, it is not because they are being dramatic—it is because they do not yet have another way to cope. And that is where we come in.
The Opposite of Ignoring Yourself
A lot of parents believe they are doing what is best for their child by ignoring their own needs, pushing aside their feelings, or feeling guilty for taking care of themselves. But emotional regulation is not about pretending we do not have emotions—it is about managing them in a way that models healthy coping.
Our children need to see us process emotions in real-time. That means taking a deep breath instead of snapping when we are frustrated. It means naming emotions out loud: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a moment to calm my body.” It means stepping away when needed instead of powering through with rising anger. It also means owning mistakes and showing how to repair: “I was really frustrated earlier, and I raised my voice. I should have handled that differently.”
Modeling the Behavior We Want to See
We cannot teach a child to regulate emotions with words alone—especially when they are dysregulated. The brain is not open to logic when emotions are high. Instead, the best way to teach regulation is to demonstrate it.
Think of yourself as your child’s emotional GPS. If your signals are all over the place, they will feel lost. But if you show them what regulation looks like, they will start to internalize it.
So the next time your child is melting down, take a moment to check in with yourself. What is happening in your body? Are your shoulders tense, your breathing shallow, or your jaw clenched? What is your emotional state? Are you feeling frustrated, anxious, or helpless? What can you do to regulate yourself first? Deep breathing, grounding, or reminding yourself that this moment will pass?
When we focus on calming our own nervous system first, our child gets the message: This is how we regulate. And over time, they will start to do the same.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Self-Regulation
Parenting is hard, and emotional regulation is not about being perfectly calm every second of the day. It is about showing up with awareness, repairing when needed, and modeling the skills we want our child to learn. Our ability to regulate emotions is not just beneficial for us—it is one of the greatest gifts we can give our child.
If you are looking for more guidance on strengthening your connection with your child and building healthy regulation skills, I offer parenting support using strategies from Trust-Based Relational Intervention to help families navigate these challenges. Reach out today to start your sessions and begin creating a more connected, balanced home.