Emotional regulation is a crucial skill for navigating life’s challenges, but its importance often extends beyond the individual—it deeply impacts the dynamics of families and households. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how emotional regulation, or the lack thereof, shapes the way parents and children interact. In particular, working with children has revealed a recurring pattern: parents seeking help to “fix” their child’s behavior, often without realizing that their own emotional responses play a significant role.
In many cases, children were simply responding like children—expressing emotions in developmentally appropriate ways. Yet, their parents’ intense emotional reactions to these behaviors created an environment where the child’s struggles were amplified. When I tried to shift the focus to equipping parents with skills to regulate their own emotions, some resisted, believing that the problem lay solely with their child. Without addressing the environment and involving the parents, those 35-50 minute sessions each week often made little impact. This post explores why emotional regulation in adults is essential for the well-being of families and how it can create a foundation for lasting change.
The Cycle of Emotional Responses in Families
Children are naturally expressive and often have big emotions they haven’t yet learned to manage. This is normal and expected as part of their developmental process. However, these moments can unintentionally trigger intense reactions from adults, especially if the adult is already stressed, overwhelmed, or struggling with their own regulation.
Unfortunately, children tend to mirror what they see. When adults respond to a child’s emotions with frustration, yelling, or avoidance, the child learns to approach their own emotions in similar ways. This creates a cycle where unregulated responses from adults lead to escalating behaviors in children, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics within the family.
“Understandably, they want quick fixes to help their family function better“
The Parent Perspective: “My Child Needs Fixing”
A common scenario I’ve encountered involves parents seeking therapy for their children with the belief that the child’s behavior is the sole issue. These parents often feel frustrated, exhausted, and desperate for solutions. Understandably, they want quick fixes to help their family function better. However, when the conversation shifts toward addressing the parents’ role in regulating their own emotions, many feel defensive or even offended. They might say things like, “I’m not the problem here,” or insist that the focus should remain on their child.
It’s also important to note that not all parents view their child as the problem. Some are highly worried about their children—particularly their very anxious children—but struggle to take the steps needed to create lasting change. These parents often admit to being anxious themselves but resist going to their own therapy or following the therapist’s suggestions. Instead, they continue bringing their child to therapy weekly while doing the opposite of what is recommended, ultimately reinforcing those anxieties. By not helping their child face their fears and instead allowing the child’s fears to dictate decisions, they unintentionally strengthen the very patterns they hope to resolve.
This resistance is not unusual and is often rooted in the immense pressure parents feel to “get it right” or avoid blame.
However, without addressing the environment the child is growing up in, therapy becomes limited in its effectiveness. It’s like trying to fix a plant’s growth without tending to the soil it’s planted in. In my experience, those parents who were willing to engage in the process and make changes—even small ones—often reported that the entire family was doing better. These families frequently saw such improvement that they no longer needed ongoing therapy. On the other hand, clients whose parents were unwilling to participate often became revolving-door cases, coming back repeatedly because the underlying dynamics remained unchanged.
Why Adult Emotional Regulation Matters
Adults are the emotional anchors of their households. Their reactions and behaviors set the tone for how children interpret and respond to their own emotions. When adults struggle with emotional regulation, it creates an unpredictable environment where children may feel unsafe or unsure of how to express themselves. Conversely, when adults model healthy regulation, they create a stable and supportive foundation where children can learn and thrive.
Research and anecdotal evidence consistently show that children flourish in environments where emotional regulation is both modeled and supported. Parents who take steps to improve their own regulation often find that their children’s behaviors improve as well, even without direct intervention aimed at the child. This underscores the idea that children are not just reacting to their internal struggles but are also responding to the dynamics around them.
Learning to break generational cycles of dysregulated emotions is no easy task. Many adults were never taught how to regulate their emotions and may find it challenging to develop these skills while raising children. However, as adults, it is our responsibility to take on this work. By doing so, we create a healthier environment for our children and set them up for success in managing their own emotions.
Skills for Emotional Regulation in Adults
Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned and strengthened over time. Here are some practical steps for adults:
Taking a Pause Before Responding: In moments of heightened emotion, it’s easy to react impulsively. Practicing the habit of taking a deep breath or stepping away briefly can help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
Practicing Mindfulness or Grounding Techniques: Simple techniques like focusing on your breathing, identifying sensory details around you, or using grounding statements (e.g., “I am safe; this moment will pass”) can help regulate intense emotions. Clients whose parents incorporated mindfulness often reported more harmonious family interactions, as these practices helped parents stay present and calm during challenging moments.
Using Self-Compassion: Parenting is hard, and so is life. Offering yourself grace and understanding when emotions run high can make it easier to approach situations with clarity and patience.
Seeking Support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or educational resources, investing in your own emotional growth benefits not only you but everyone in your household.
The Ripple Effect: Teaching Emotional Regulation to Children
When adults learn to regulate their own emotions, they naturally become better equipped to teach these skills to their children. Modeling healthy emotional responses shows children that it’s okay to feel big emotions and that there are constructive ways to handle them. Intentional conversations, such as naming emotions and discussing coping strategies, further reinforce these lessons. Over time, children internalize these skills, building resilience and emotional intelligence that will serve them throughout their lives.
Bringing It All Together
Emotional regulation in adults is the cornerstone of healthy family dynamics. It’s not about assigning blame or pointing fingers but recognizing the profound impact that regulated adults can have on their children and households. Change is possible, and it starts with small, intentional steps. By prioritizing emotional regulation, adults not only improve their own well-being but also create a ripple effect of growth and healing for their families.
If emotional regulation feels like a challenge, and you weren’t given the tools to manage it as a child, know that you have the power to break the cycle. Counseling can help you develop the skills to create a healthier, more balanced future for yourself and your family. Reach out today to start your journey toward change.