If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I hate my mom” or “I hate my dad,” you’re not alone. These emotions are powerful, and they don’t come out of nowhere. Sometimes, they stem from genuine hurt, betrayal, or difficult experiences. Other times, they may be influenced by things outside of your awareness—factors that shape how you see your parent without you even realizing it.
No matter where these feelings come from, they can feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to sort them out alone. Let’s take a moment to explore these emotions—not to judge them, but to understand them.
When Hate Feels Like the Only Option
Anger, resentment, and even hatred toward a parent are more common than you might think, especially in families where conflict runs deep. Maybe you feel like one parent has caused harm, abandoned you, or let you down in ways that are hard to forgive. Those feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged.
But what happens when those feelings don’t quite add up? Maybe you used to have a loving relationship with this parent. Maybe your memories of them feel fuzzy, and the negative ones stand out more. Or maybe you’ve been told over and over by someone close to you that your parent is the problem.
Real Hurt Still Counts
Let’s be real: not all pain is manufactured or manipulated. Some people grow up with parents who were emotionally neglectful, abusive, or just consistently not there. If your anger comes from clear, direct harm—missed birthdays, broken promises, hurtful words, abusive actions—your boundaries are valid. This article isn’t here to question your truth. It’s here to explore those gray areas where your feelings may have been shaped by more than just your own experiences.
How to Know If Your Feelings Are Truly Yours
Think about your relationship with your parent before things became strained. Can you remember a time when it felt safe, loving, or fun? If you can’t, does it feel like those memories might be buried or overshadowed by something else?
Let’s say your mom used to take you to the park every Saturday and sneak you your favorite snack after school. But now all you can think of are the times she canceled plans or argued with your other parent. What happened to those earlier memories? Do they still feel real?
Or maybe your dad missed a few visits during a rough patch—but someone in your life kept repeating that it was proof he didn’t care. Over time, that story stuck harder than your actual memories.
Also, consider how the people around you talk about your parent. Is there someone—or even multiple people—who often speak negatively about them? Have you been told, again and again, that your parent doesn’t love you, has hurt you, or isn’t worthy of your trust?
And how do you feel when you think about spending time with this parent? Do you feel guilty, anxious, or conflicted? Are you worried about how someone else in your life might react if you tried to reconnect? These questions can give you insight into whether your feelings are entirely your own—or if they’ve been shaped by someone else’s voice.
When You Feel Two Things at Once
One of the hardest things about sorting through complicated family emotions is holding both pain and love at the same time. You might miss your parent and still be furious with them. You might want to call them and also want to scream into a pillow. That doesn’t make you messed up—it makes you human.
Ambivalence (a.k.a. the “I love them but I hate them” dance) is actually super common in families, especially when you’ve been caught in the middle of adult conflict. You don’t have to choose one side of the emotional spectrum. You get to hold the whole messy truth.
Could Alienation Be a Factor?
In high-conflict families, it’s not uncommon for one parent to speak negatively about the other. Over time, this can create a divide that’s hard to bridge. Sometimes, it’s intentional—an effort to turn you against your other parent. Other times, it’s more subtle but still damaging.
This process is often referred to as parental alienation. While it’s not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5 (the manual U.S.-based therapists use), the behaviors associated with it—like manipulating a child’s view of a parent or undermining their attachment—are recognized as harmful. For more on this, check out my article What Is Parental Alienation? Why It’s Not in the DSM-5
Signs That You May Have Been Alienated
If you’re unsure whether your feelings toward your parent are rooted in your own experiences or influenced by someone else, certain signs may stand out. You might feel like you have to “choose sides” between your parents. Perhaps you’ve been told repeatedly that your parent is dangerous, abusive, or unloving, even though your own memories don’t entirely support that.
It might seem like the only things you remember about your parent are negative, even if you used to feel close to them. Or you might struggle to recall specific incidents that justify the way you feel. Maybe you experience guilt or anxiety about wanting to spend time with your parent or trying to reconnect. These experiences could suggest that alienation has played a role in shaping your feelings.
What You Can Do
If any of this resonates with you, it doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong. It just means they’re worth exploring. Start by reflecting honestly. Ask yourself whether your feelings align with your own experiences or if they’ve been shaped by what someone else has told you.
Reaching out to a therapist can also help you untangle your emotions, sort through your memories, and make sense of your relationships in a safe, non-judgmental space. Give yourself permission to question things. Wondering whether there’s more to the story doesn’t make you disloyal; it means you’re seeking truth and understanding.
You Deserve Clarity and Peace
No matter what your relationship with your parent looks like now, you deserve to understand your feelings fully. Exploring these emotions can be painful, but it can also be incredibly freeing. Whether your journey leads to reconnection, forgiveness, or simply a deeper understanding of yourself, know that you don’t have to face it alone.
If you’re feeling confused or overwhelmed, reaching out to a trusted therapist can make all the difference. You have the power to reclaim your perspective and find clarity, one step at a time.